Perspective

I'm having one of those days.
I've had them a lot lately.

Laying in bed in the midst of a messy house, feeling like a horrible housekeeper, mother and wife.
My head hurts, I am SO tired and I want to go to sleep, but I look at the clock and realize that I've only been awake for 3 hours - no justification for a nap just yet.

I have so many feelings that I want to share, but I hesitate because I know that Erik won't like it and my mom will feel sad. But I know that writing makes me feel productive and happy, so I ignore them.

I have written so much on this blog about my health issues and the frustrations I have had for the last three years not knowing what is happening. I have spent countless hours being stuck with needles and sitting in little offices with people who are sicker than me, but still feeling bad for myself. I have researched my guts out and had so many moments of hopelessness and anxiety and even optimism and HOPE.

I spent last week at MANY appointments, tests and more appointments only to find myself in the ER on Sunday. I knew something was coming and I knew I needed to slow down, but it's hard to walk away from responsibilities and take a break.  The first thing I thought when I saw the doctor was, "He is going to think I am crazy - just like everyone else." I downplayed the pain and expected to be sent home like all the other times.

I am so thankful for this doctor who didn't know me and who could have sent me packing. I am thankful for all the things that finally came together this week so I could finally have a diagnosis and a little bit of satisfaction in knowing that I WAS RIGHT AND I KNOW MY OWN BODY!!!

I definitely do not feel at peace right now and I know that every day will bring a different challenge. I hope that I will be able to handle things with dignity and grace, which goes against EVERY FIBER of my being.

I know that this is small in comparison to the suffering so many people face, but it is real to me and my family.

I know that science is AWESOME  will be well taken care of. I know that things will get scary for me, but that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.

 I know that I am a drama queen, but I don't care!

I know that this life is not the end. My favorite line from my favorite movie: "Get busy living or get busy dying."

Am I dying? No, but I know my course will be altered a little and that is OK. I have such an amazing family and such great friends - I guess it just took me a minute to gain perspective.

Whew! I really do feel better and am not embarrassed to ask for prayers and the hope that one of you will have a clean liver for me someday!!