Hey Jackass

It's been a few days since I received my life changing news and guess what?? I'm still here, which is so crazy because I thought my life was over.

I have been so torn  torn this week on so many issues. Do I research PSC online, or do I live in la la land? Every time I get online, I find something horrible that makes me lose my mind for a few minutes. I can't tell you how many times Erik has walked in only to find me sobbing into my pillow for no apparent reason. The poor guy is handling it like a champ.  I, on the other hand am a basket case.

 Anyway, I decided last night that I would sift through as much information as possible - good or bad.
I came across a great blog written by a 28 year old PSC survivor from the UK. He kept such a great journal of his entire experience with this disease - including his liver transplant and life afterwords. I think Heavenly father knew that I needed to find it and read it and be honest with myself. I cried as I read about his life - totally in awe of his optimism and realistic attitude.

I have felt so blessed this week. I have seen my family and friends filled with fear and compassion for me and a willingness to do ANYTHING to help. I am so grateful for the life Erik and I have here because it has enabled us to be around family and meet friends who have become so impoortant in our lives.

I feel weird talking to people about this, because its very comlicated and sounds so grimm, but I am thankful for the people who have gotten over the awkwardness of it to tell me they are thinking of me. I have never been able to do that for anyone else. I have always liked to petend that things are ok and nothing will ever change, but I'm learning that I don't get to pick my own course.

I am finally starting to feel better, but the tiredness seems to want to stay forever. I am afraid of the pain and sickness that will come, but I am also happy that I am young and have time to be with my famly and friends. I hope this gloom will wear away with time - I know life will go on and that I have may years ahead to complain. I want to find the funny and happy things in life to blog about - but I will try to face the scary things too.

As I layed out on my trampoline the other day, wanting to be outside and alone in the sun, I could hear some kids from the daycare in the next yard whispering. They had discovered me and decided to taunt me, as all good kids will do to a 37 year old woman who is laying on a trampoline in her bathrobe. At first I was annoyed since I wanted to wallow in my misery, but couldn't help but laugh. After a few minutes of trying to ignore them, they started yelling, "Hey jackass! Hey jackass, we know you can see us. Why Are you such a jackass??" I  realized I WAS being a jackass. Time to get up and get dressed.