"Those are Brand New. Brand New."

I would like to thank all of those people who did not show up to our charity Yard sale. You will not be able to bask in the comfort of the new leather couches I was going to buy with the proceeds.
You have to love professional Yard Salers, they are truly a rare breed. I got up at 6 on Saturday and started to get things together. We were suppose to start at 8, but of course, I was slightly behind. That is the first no-no in yard selling. You have your "early birds," for which the phrase "no early birds" was created. They like to poke their little heads in around 7 just to get a sneak peak at your stuff. I want to explain something to these folks. If you can wait a few hours, all of my stuff will be a the D.I. so just sleep in a little longer.
The next rule is to make sure you have "manly" items, like winches, lug nuts, welding supplies, etc. This will keep the men around while the women make huge piles of stuff and ask you if you will sell "the whole lot of it for a nickel."
There are other rules, but the point is, be ready to sell your things for nothing. It is not about making a profit, it is about pissing people off.
I love the lady who said to me:
How much for the rug?
me: I think the tag speaks for itself.
Lady: It looks pretty worn.
me: Hmm, really? Ok then.
Lady: Here's your 4 bucks.
Anyway, the final rule is to always take a Xanax before a yard sale. It not only helps with the *laughers, but also with the stress that comes with spending an entire day with friends and family.

*laughers is a trademarked name for those folks who walk in, look at your stuff and your prices and walk back to their Pinto laughing about it.